May Day Bank Holiday TV Listings.

The best TV to feast on this bank holiday in the UK….

Smörgåsbord. Saturday 9pm BBC4. Scandinavian crime drama. Lars Larsson stars as the manic depressive Detective Llarsson Smorgasbord of Gothenburg police who sports chunky knitwear and drives round in a Volvo finding out who’s been murdering pickled herring and leaving them trussed up in an Ikea wardrobe. Directed by Llarsson Larsson.

Manchild Crash Show: Friday 8pm BBC2. James May reconstructs a crashed spitfire out of lego, flies it into a brewery, then blows it up with fireworks. Chris Evans welds a barbecue to the roof of a sports car and eats grilled beef whilst driving at 250 mph the wrong way down route 66, then tries to drive the car into space at Cape Canaveral, then blows it up. Jamie Oliver attempts to make some home-brew in the back of a VW Camper full of snakes whilst travelling round the M25 with a TV chef. Then blows off the TV chef.

Talent-Squawk for Pennies: Saturday 6pm ITV1. Various ‘charming eccentrics’ dance, sing, beg or do something stupid in an attempt to get their benefit payments restarted. The judging panel includes the Archbishop of Canterbury, Iain Duncan Smith, Barry Scott from the Cillit Bang adverts, and a virtual recreation of 16th century playwright Christopher Marlow.

Britain’s Not Shit: Sunday 7pm BBC2. This landmark series from the BBC will attempt to placate all armchair generals and people who remember the Empire by showing just how wonderful our countryside is to a soundtrack of Elgar. We have chalk cliffs, lakes, woodland, and millstone grit, so fuck all those fucking foreign fuckers, this is OURS, you hear me Eurocrats? OURS!! Hosted by Aled Jones and someone who was once on Blue Peter.

Cumberbatch Abbey: Sunday 8pm ITV. Starring Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hiddleston and Eddy Redmayne. Set in a stately home at the turn of the last century, this accurate historical drama shows how vastly different life was 100 years ago when the posh pricks got all the decent jobs. This week, the mysterious lady Arabella Marchmond (Rosamund Pike) attracts the interest of the young men of the area at the trout shoot by wearing a dress cut 3 inches above the ankle.

Passive Aggressive Dishwasher Stack Challenge with Dermot O’Leary: Saturday 8pm ITV. Teams of frustrated couples take out their anger on each other and attempt to win a prize by filling a dishwasher in the least-optimised manner. Extra points for slamming the door, setting the least energy efficient programme and refusing to refill the rinse aid. Available with subtitles — but of a different programme.

Doctor Who and The Mystery of The Overtly Sexy Assistant: Saturday 7pm BBC1. Confused by the too-pleased-with-itself-by-half script, the audience of bored children and their sexually frustrated dads tune in every week to see what disaster befalls the Doctor. And to see what his assistant is wearing.

Arrest the Midwife. Sunday 8pm BBC1 — but only in Wales. Budget constraints see two of TVs most popular genres, police procedurals and medical dramas, combined to form this 1960s set show. Nick Berry is a detective, who drives a vintage Jaguar around Cambridge, attempting to arrest a team of rogue midwives led by Miranda Hart, who’ve been stealing placentas and selling them on Ebay. Welsh subtitles available in Scotland.

Shit The Bed: New BBC3 sitcom. No further details available in advance of broadcast, but imagine the title is fairly self explanatory. Online only, requires a wireless dongle.

Davina McCall Big Cat Wank Challenge:Monday 8pm ITV1. An often tearful Davina attempts to highlight the cause of endangered feline species of the world by tracking down dying breeds and manipulating them to issue in slow motion whilst avoiding being mauled to death. Soundtrack — Coldplay.

The Patronising Astrophysics Show: Monday 9pm BBC2. Professor Brian Cox and Dara O Briain try really, really hard not to sound patronising and smug as they explain stupidly complex stuff to thick people, but honestly, without at least an undergraduate degree in physics you’re fucked. Features a 5 min section where Danny Dyer illustrates geosynchronous orbit by throwing melted crème eggs at a moving pram.

Dogging Watch: Monday — Friday 8pm BBC1. Join Chris Packham and Michaela Strachan every night at 8 as they spend a week inside a carefully constructed hide in a layby off the A428. Using state of the art night vision cameras, strategically placed microphones and drone-cams they’ll help us obtain a uniquely cum-stained view into the mystical world of dogging. Recommended for adult viewers only. (Free jizz wipe in this week’s Radio Times).

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